Engineer and a Machinist

You might be an engineer if...

You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

All your sentences begin with "what if".

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

Dilbert is your hero.

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.

When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

You are always late to meetings.

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.

You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.

You are still drinking Mr. Pibb.

You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

You bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply.

You can name at least six Star Trek episodes.

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You can understand anything Al Gore says.

You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.

You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

You carry a list for everything except the groceries.

You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel You disdain people who use low baud rates.

You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.

You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for.

You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

You have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.

You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You have never backed up your hard drive.

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You introduce your wife/husband as "mylady@home.wife/husband".

You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.

You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.

You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

You know what http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys You need a checklist to turn on the TV.

You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.

You own "Official Star Trek" anything.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.

You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo".

You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

You see a good design and still have to change it.

You spend more time on your home computer than in your car.

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

You talk about trellis code modulation at parties.

You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

You think your computer looks better without the cover.

You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.

You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.

You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

You window shop at Radio Shack.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate.

Your checkbook always balances.

Your dress clothes come from Sears.

Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.

Your favorite actor is R2D2.

Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor".

Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.

Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop.

Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.

Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.

Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest.

sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.

Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.

Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy.

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.

Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 450Mhz Pentium.

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.




You know you're a machinist when:

Children/Family Section.

Someone in your family gets a splinter and you run to your toolbox to get your scribe!

You are dragged kicking and screaming away on a family holiday and you are going round this old cathedral you think that the roof supports are custom made for line shafting.

You take your family to Disney and leave a few days (from Wisconsin) early so you can spend your "vacation" time scraping in a sweaty machine shop?

Your kids are more impressed with the custom motorcycle parts and seeing you name in a biker mag. Then all the other things you have done.

Almost late with the Christmas eve assembly projects because you have to figure out how all the plastic parts were gated and ejected.

You have a son and:

1)Your 2 year old son wants to look through a Harbor Freight catalog at bedtime.
2) He can distinguish a milling machine from a lathe.
3) He knows all the tool names from pictures, because we have them in the shop.
4) When the in-laws pick up my sons toys and say " this is a real tape measure" or "this crescent wrench is real!"
5) There is a welding helmet in my sons toy box.
6) Every night my son wants to see my hands and proudly look at the "owies".
7) When he gets a splinter, he wants Dad instead of Mom, because Dad uses the cool magnifier headgear to watch while he digs the splinter out.

Your 6 year old son likes to come into your shop because he likes the smell, no he went on to get a degree in finance where he is making more money then Dad ever imagined.

Your son tries all the handwheels at a dealer or at a show like Cabin Fever and it gives you a warm feeling inside.

You help your kid do her math graphing homework and measure the points with a caliper.

Your daughter can tell all her friends how nearly everything is made, then also says "My dad helped prototype that....that....that...." and her friends do not know what prototype is.

When your child takes a bath after you and gets a metal chip stuck in her butt.

When your 5 yo daughter wants to take a tool out of your tool box to school for show and tell and you give her a 2.5 lb double face hammer and tell her that it was made at the factory where daddy works and when it was made and she smiles better than if you just handed her a big ol sack of candy. I am just tearin up SOOOOO PROUD one of lifes little moments.

When your kids know that any item of their stuff gets broken that you can generally fix it better than it was before, which usually means they don't take care of anything.



You know you're a machinist when:

SWMBO Section:

Your girlfriend pulls right for a look at the junkyard without even asking you.

Your wife is convinced that the cat is going to die of a perforated colon because the stupid cat plays with the long curly chips.

You go to the hardware store you tell your wife to pick up any bolt or screw and you will name it without looking at the tag.(She is not impressed in the least).

You go to a machinery dealer on your honeymoon....

You know you are a machinist when your wife asks you to do a woodworking project and you say, "I cut metal and plastic all day long. I am not about to touch a piece of wood."

You know you are a machinist when you acquire your skill saw by marriage.

You made your own titanium wedding band or sized your wife's anniversary ring using dial calipers.

Your wife finds a chip in her bra and threatens to put some in your underwear and that doesn't faze you.


When your wedding photos includes ZERO shots of your hands (including the ring photo)?

You can't remember your wifes birthday or your wedding anniversary but you can name all the tap drills up to 1"

When your wife has to keep reminding you that everything does not have to be symmetric, plumb or level.

You stumble across a machining forum and after reading a few replies to your wife she rolls her eyes and says "you mean there's more people like you!"

You annoy your wife on purpose because you know she will tell you to go to your shop untill you can behave.

When SWMBO gets after you for leaving the J&L catalog in the bathroom again!

When you are shopping with the wife at wmart, she tells you to go get some butter. You pick up the container, and realize you built that mold. Then you get home, and wife cant find the butter. You were so caught up in that magical moment you set it back down....

You know your a real lucky machinist when the little woman gladly helps wash and box parts on Sunday night.

Your wife finds more metal chips than change in your pockets.

If your wife has to say "come move your electroplating equipment, so I can take a bath"....

If your wife caught you using her breast pump because you couldn't find your siphon hose to fill the parts washer tank....(got swatted for that one!)...

Your wife starts to complain about flash, gate vestige, mismatch, etc. ont the kids toys.

You absolutely refuse to refer to the instructions when assembling the new barbeque. No matter how long it takes. You finally break for pizza that SWMBO ordered.

You use words like concentric and tangent when working in flower beds, wife flips out when you string things off before digging.

Your wife has to remind you to wash your hands AFTER you come out of the bathroom, not before when you are at home.

Right in the middle of shall we say a really intimate moment, other half suddenly cries out 'Ouch! whats this?' or something similar, and pulls out a chip!

When your wife starts wearing "all-black" cause it easier than carefully sorting out his and hers in the laundry in an effort to prevent discolortaion and stains in her wardrobe. If so welcome to my world.


You know you're a machinist, and cheap too, when you go curtain shopping with your wife and realize you can make custom rod ends on your lathe better and cheaper than what is sold at the store - also a great way to justify all the time you spend in the shop.

When you tell your wife to pick you up some single flute razors.

When you overhear you wife explaining something you've designed and made to her girlfriend...and you can tell she's proud.




You know you're a machinist when:

Learning, Knowledge, Mentors and Teachers of Machining, and Metal Working Section:

You know your a machinist when you realize your not 1/10 as smart as you THOUGHT you were after 1 year on the job.

You realize that 97% of the world, their dad never thought them that an open ended wrench is only used when needed, otherwise use a box end or a socket, and when you tell a new kid that, and he asks "why"..you realize that for him it may be far too late, and you could maybe never explain.

The little kid next door that you tried to show a few tricks to invites you to the celebration of his commercial shop's tenth anniversary.


You spend 10 years working & learning in conventional/cam operated/and other types of automation driven machinery,then decide to spend 40K and earn a degree in electronics engineering technology (to try and break free) but 25 years later you still make a living by removing metal.

If you've ever asked the smarta** new guy to show you how they taught him how to chuck up an end mill in a Jacob's chuck...

When a young guy nervously brings a tool he made and obviously put great care into for your approval....and walks away proud from the compliment you don't easily hand out.

It comes as a sudden revelation one day that all the old guys who taught you are retired or dead and you're teaching the young guys, consulting with the management on difficult jobs, limping at the end of the day, and avoiding promotion into official responsibility.

You're the only guy left who knows how to make and fit steam piston rings, hand scrape, or splice flat belts.

You go to your grandfathers funeral (toolmaker) and everyone else is putting flowers and cards in the casket and you put in your first mic.

You hope the young buck that sweet talks your 'ol lady out of your tools when you croak really deserves them.

All people around you respect me because you have taught now a full generation of your areas best machinists, shop foremen, established toolmakers, and trusted employees. They all know much more than you do now, but "blame" you for getting them started and interested.

You just attended the funeral of your 93 year old mentor and hope that some kid like yourself comes along that you can pass the wisdom along to. and wishing that you had just a little more time with your friend to discuss things that most people could care less about but whose lives could not exist without the talents of the machinists & mechanics of the world

You get excited when a young guy asks you to stay late to help him make something.

You let a young guy in your dept do it the wrong way first so the principle you show him when he asks for help is cemented in his noggin'.

When your well into your retirement years & still knowing you have something to learn. Oh yes, you don't have to ask folks if you are a machinist. You know when you have made the grade!

When you sign up for the scrapping class just to meet some of you guy's that my wife say's are just like me, but mostly to meet Forrest!

When you can think of about 5 ways to make an easier living......and don't give any of 'em a second thought.

When you were an apprentice, you can remember the cranky old guy in the corner, who seemed to know exactly howto fix anything whatso ever and be able to make everything using any machine in the factory.... and suddenly you realise that its now YOU that are the cranky old guy in the corner who can make anything whatso ever.


You know you're a machinist when:

The Multi-use 6” Scale:
You take your scale out of your pocket to stir your coffee then wipe it on your pants & return it to your pocket.

You bring a salad to work and forget the fork so you use a scale to eat it. Then only later do you think about what you did.

You stir creamer into your coffee with a 6" scale....

You clean your fingernails with the same scale.....

Someone from the front office asks to borrow your "ruler" you tell 'em you don't have one because you didn't realize they were talking about your coffee stirrer.

Your truck has a hole in the seat because you forget to take your scale out of your back pocket.

You clean your scale "AFTER" you use it for a spoon not before.


You know you're a machinist when:

Inquiring Machinist's Mind Section:

You lay down to go to sleep and wake up with the solution to a difficult setup you are working on....and it happens on a regular basis.

Almost any object combined with some spare time leads you to think about how they made it, and not only that, what the molds, dies, and tools that made it might look like.

You look at everything and ask, how would I make this?

You take more difficult part prints home to think about.

You're driving on one of those big curved overpasses on the freeway & you wonder to yourself what the radius of something like that might be.

You can't wake up from your night's sleep until the job your dreaming about is done!

A machinist can make every mechanical part on your car from scratch. It's a trade a little like sculpture."

You go to a candy factory and drool over the machinery.

You look at some complex part designed on a computer made on a CNC machine and say " I wonder how many hours that would have taken in the old day's"


Someone asks you to build something that has never been built before and you know what part to make first.

You curse whoever designed that new tool you bought. Then you redesign the faulty part and make it.

You are in any meeting, everyone is taking notes, and you are drawing out a problem and doing the trip for the program or set-up.

Pessimists look at a glass that is 50% full and say it is half empty. Optimists look at it and say it is half full. Machinists look at it and understand theglass is twice as big as it needs to be.

When you use all the knowledge gained over the years to determine the optimal speeds n feeds for an ice removal tool on the driveway. And the tool is just a regular old manure scraper.


When some of your best ideas and solutions to problems have come to you while sitting on the toilet!

You can figure the x-y position of any point on a circle using only a handheld calculator, and you refuse to tell the engineer how you did it.

You know you're a machinist when:

Machines and Tools Section:

You hear machines and cutters in your sleep, and think of it as a good thing.

A lathe worker get's excited at 6's and 9's in the non-sexual way...


You can not only run the machine, but repair it, and could even make almost all of the cutting tools you would need to run it (could not SHOULD).

You hate CNC but when you're forced onto one you make notes about the running program, that, when implemented halve the running time, avoid a second op, and result in 1/10 the reject rate.

You call the boss from your hospital room to ask how the shop is running.

You named your dog Bridgeport.


You stand in front of a Bridgeport, engine lathe and CNC Mill all day long...and still wish you had the same machines at home so you could make stuff.

You go to a trade show and get annoyed because the booth babes are standing in front of the machines.

You don't let anyone even TOUCH your calipers or mics.

You tell someone they can't use a machine not because you're worried they'll cut their finger off, but that they'll break the machine and you'll have to fix it.

You mumble at your coworkers because they'll use their a$$ for 2 minutes and wipe it, but they'll use their lathe all day and won't.

When you keep the 4 jaw on the spindle all the time, and get everything centered within .001, in two minutes, without an indicator.

You have nightmares of machines crashing. Then you wake up in a panic to hit the e-stop.

You loan a tool to a friend that you trust and then cruise by nonchalantly 3-4 times to make sure he's not abusing it.

You can hear a shop full of equipment running and tell which one is having a problem.

You know all the G codes for 5 different controls and you can't remember your cell phone number.

You can go for a crap in the bathroom of a shop with 30 machines and 30 radios going at the same time and hear your machine finish its cycle through all that noise.

You miss your machines after work.

When you buy a machine that you always wanted to run when you first started out working. Even though by todays industrial standards it is consider obsolete. So what it is over 20+ years old or more. And yes it still works and holds tolerance.

You remember machines you ran better than friends.

You nearly wreck every time you pass a flat bed semi hauling a tarped machine of some sort.

You know when you are a cnc machinist when you are running a manual lathe, and estimate how many ipm rapid you attain when pulling the tailstock back and forth.

When the company is closing early due to weather issues and paying everyone for the whole day and your mad because your machine just started running good and you wanted to let it run awhile. Even if there is six inches of snow in the parking lot!

When you set your tile saw(or any other home reno tool) with your vernier.

When even if you don't cook the kitchen knives are carbon steel hand sharpened and stropped to be good enough to shave with.

You know you're a machinist when:

Sizing and Accuracy Section:

You not only know at a glance from across the shop that a job is subtle screwed up but what excuse the perp will use to alibi out.

You try to build something out of wood after you make a very detailed sketch and spend more time truing up you saws then you do cutting anything.

You hate working on your professionally built home because there isn't one square corner or level spot in the whole dang place!

You see the fractional tolerances of carpentry and you shake your head

Remodeling projects involving 2x lumber, sheetrock, pipe, cement, etcetera take forever, as these materials do not lend themselves readily to measurements within +/- .001"

You use your 12" dial calipers and 0-6 inch mic set for woodworking, and you get upset when you are more than .010 off.

You go to a friends house you want to adjust all the pictures they have on the walls for level.

You can feel .001"

You put a vise on the mill and snug it down. Then find that it indicates within .003"

Your a machinist when you throw a vise on a table and its within .001 by eye and you feel like you got a hole in one.

A gnat's a$$ doesn't seem that small.

You have a nickname like 'Jimmy One-thou'

You know you are a machinist when you can find the bottom of a ballbearing.

Your association with the word “Thou” progresses from a monetary quantity you used to dream of to a linear measurement you use daily.

You know the difference between +/- the tenth they taught you in school and +/- the tenth you use in the shop is about $10.000 on the quote. You also know which one they mean by who is saying it. I still have engineers call ".1" a tenth...

When you are standing their watching the machine take the last cut you set-up, and you realize you made a mistake in your calculations, and you know you just scrapped the part. After you stop puking, You check it before you chuck it, and somehow it is right. And you just smile, cause every now and then it is just one of those days when you hit the swinging bottle.

You believe machinists never scrap parts, only those guys in QC.

When you level a pool table to be with a machinist level.

And obsess over any slight imperfection that no one will ever notice unless you point it out to them.

Political correctness in the machine shop means we no longer call parts "scrap". They are "dimentionally challenged".


You know you're a machinist when:

Making and Repairing Section:

You know "nice" work when you see it, and try to do it on every job, but make the boss some $$ too...so you try to do nice work fast.

You see something broke and you say i can fix that cheap . All machinists have a fix this spot in there hearts.

Some of your friends you have not seen for awhile drop by for a visit with a "sketch" of something they need made.

You have parts that have made at work sitting at home on your fireplace mantle for decoration.

You see someone trying to make or fix something that you could do on the lathe or mill easy, but the same person brings you something totally destroyed and ask, "Can you fix this?"

You know are a machinist when you are watching the nightly news reports from the latest war zone your countries armed forces are involved in and you yell out "hey I made that bit.... and that bit and those nightsight mountings.....”

You don't return an item that has missing a part. You go out to the shop and make it.

A good machinist is somebody who can make in an hour what any fool can make in a day.

You take an 8 year old ink jet printer apart that can't feed the paper right, make new parts, take hours at walmart and the local hardware store to find the right rubber feel on items, take them to your shop, make new rubber rollers, and find you spent 30 hours and $50.00 to fix a printer that you could have bought a new one to replace for $30.00 and in five minutes.

You replace small broken knobs in your car with extremely nice brass knobs and bezels, and your shift knobs in the car are the fanciest in town.

You check the root diameter of a sheet metal screw with calipers to drill for it.

You know you're one when nearly all your friends asks you to help them get this or that made for this or that.

You know you're a machinist when a part you made earlier that day ends up being shown on the evening news being held by the police. (and not for any reason that is legal or responsible).

You know you are a machinist when your second best customer calls you wanting 20 parts in a hurry and you ummmmm and ahhhhh about getting a machine free and he offers another 10% on the price to get them today when you know full well you'll get the parts done by lunch and can spend the rest of the day in pub.

You have ever been sent a usless piece of junk via Fedex that you had to "fix" for someone else.

When you go to the wifes bathroom and notice the tolite paper roll core is flatten and you stand there straightening it out back to round again, and then forget what you went in there for?

You know your a machinist when a friend from another state calls you describes what part he needs for his race bike you hop down to the shop and make it for him. He calls a few days later and tells you it was perfect.

When you're setting up the surface grinder in your basement shop, and feel a slight mist of water when you move in certain directions to get tooling....then notice the copper pipe overhead is spraying a fine stream out over top the tool cabinet! Taking a look at the cruddy fittings and iffy pipes, you set up the hardinge second op with a bar carrier, collet, & cut-off tool for the pipe, and a chamfer and de-burr tool in the turret and get to work on the plumbing. (Bonus points if you obsess about how to hold and measure +/- .002 on a six foot lenght)

When you make a £50.00 part for £5.00.

When someone machines something you haven't tried before or don't know how to do and you get excited rather than jealous.


You know you're a machinist when:

Chips Chips and More Chips Section:


You dare not walk on carpet because of the blue chips wedged in the soles of your shoes.

You take a clean shirt out of the closet in the morning and remove the chips from the pocket before putting it on.

The scars on your face are from hot chips and not teenage acne.

You have ever sucked a chip out of your own eye using a magnet.

You cut your hand when you wash your hair and hit a chip.

You keep both hands on the dials even as a nice blue chip is burning its way thru your hand,arm or down your shirt.

After a particularly nasty job where you were showered with red hot little slivers that became hardened splinters of steel, you just toss your clothes in the washer, add a cup of salt, and soak overnight, knowing the only way to get those splinters out is to rust 'em out.

You don't have to worry about slipping on the ice in winter due to the sheer amount of chips melted or embedded into the soles of your boots.

You pick up a handful of aluminum chips and let them fall through your fingers you think it feels good and it brings a smile to your face.(and some people think sand feels good running through their fingers, to me it feels like something thats going to eat my machine alive)

You decorate the Christmas tree at work with long metal shavings instead of garland.

You look back on your life after working for 50 years making chips and you dont have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.


You know you're a machinist when:

Working and Office People Section:

A buddy that has an office job says he is taking a "personal day" tomorrow and you don't know what he's talking about.

You can think of six other thing you are qualified to do that pay more but you don't even try.

You can tell a wannabe from a real machinist toolmaker within the first hour ( lets face it, when you work with a guy who has his stuff together it shows that fast)

Your employee number heads the time card rack.


You lose sleep at night having nightmares about welders using micrometers as clamps.
When engineering comes down from the "golden dome" and ask you how..you'd.. make the piece, since the last 3 CAD prints they sent were f***ed.


You realize you went all day without turning the radio on...grease-monkey's go out of their minds if they can't hear some Classic Rock played too loud all day long.

Nobody knows you're secretly competing with yourself to make the next part even prettier than the last.

You have more work boots than dress shoes.

When you hear a group of guys whimpering about how hard their desk jobs have been working them with ALL the overtime and you almost choke to keep from bursting put laughing when you find out a 45 hr week is so tough on 'em.

You know you got it bad when you have to come into the office, on SUNDAY, TODAY, LABOR DAY WEEKEND because some local client has a bent pump shaft and..
1. Your wife just says "Have a nice day" as you head out. No complaining about the afternoon cookout (for lunch) or the dinner at the neighbors (tonight)
2. The FIRST thing you do when you go in is check the PM site!!!

You hardly speak to the office people cause they don't speak the same "language".

Someone says "parts is parts" within earshot and you won't talk to him for two weeks.

The general manager (who couldn't tell you where the on button is) avoids you because he knows how easily you can dissect his "motivational" slogans.


You know you're a machinist when:

Staying Clean and Clothes Section:


You wash your hands *before* you pee.

You shower and change your clothes before sitting in the living room.

You're not allowed to wash your clothes with anyone else's during laundry day.

You leave dirty little finger prints on anything white. Even at home, the doors leading to the shower, if white, have your finger prints all over them.

When the baths emptied and theres a trail of fine iron dust right down the bath to the plughole.

You wear black or dark blue T-shirts all the time because you can pretend that cutting oil doesn't leave stains on 'em.

You wash your clothes, not because you care about the stains on your clothes, but because you just don't want to stain your truck seat or the wife's furniture from the coolant or way lube patterns on your clothes.

You do wash your clothes, you soak your clothes overnight in the washer to get the most of the lubricants out.

You finally get around to really cleaning your shop and you want to sleep in it, instead of in your own bed.

Every pair of polyester pants you own have small holes shaped like 6s thru the cuffs.

The outside of your Kennedy is streaked with years of coolant, dust, and grime, but the inside is as pristine as the day you bought it.


You know you're a machinist when:

Food, Drink, and Cooking Section:

The outside of your coffee cup is so dirty you cant tell what color it was.

You've seriously considered installing an airline in your kitchen.

You know the thickness of a Pepsi can is usually thicker than a Mt. Dew can.

A car blows its horn at you and sounds similar to the lunch wagon.....and you begin to salivate.

You warm the lunch you brought on top of the heat-treating oven. Or on days there is no heat-treating, baking a potato for lunch in the HT oven...

The white bread of your sandwich turns a light gray (from the cast iron on your hands)while you are holding it and you eat it anyway.

If you've ever made a "toasted" cheese sandwich using your cutting torch....you might be a machinist...

You've taken bearings out of your bike transmission using the kitchen oven to heat the castings.

You know to use a Reynolds brown-in bag to keep the 90 WT oil smell under control.

You say 'the kitchen hardly smells much like 90 wt at all!' as the rest of the folks are hollering and complaining.

You bring home parts to draw(temper) in your kitchen oven, so you can start grinding them in the morning.. & since the oven is hot anyhow, might as well cook something at the same time.

While, in a restaurant, waiting for your food, your napkin is squared to the edge of the table and your drink is concentric with the coaster.


You know you're a machinist when:

Food, First Aid and Keeping Healthy Section:

You go for a medical MRI and they need to x-ray your eyes first to make sure there are no ferrous particles present.

People look to you for answers to all their problems,,,,,,, including health issues.

You have gotten cut so bad that you take a picture of it for posterity.

Your friends are all concerned about their cholestrol levels, while you are more concerned about those pesky zink and lead levels.

Your blood has more metal in it than your new automobile.

You have ever referred to any part of your anatomy, or the anatomy of your spouse, using machinist jargon like tap, drill, ream, bore, line-shaft and tooling.

You use super glue on a cut instead of a band aid because its the only thing that will stay on in coolant.

After 25 yrs you are just discovering that MOST people don't have sore feet at the end of the day.

You can't punch out on the finger print reader because of the new cut on your thumb.

You have been away for a few days on vacation and are... um... constipated and walking into the shop and smelling that smell makes you feel so at home you have to poop within 10 minutes.

One morning you found that you have carved the cold butter into something that looks a hell of a lot like a right hand turning tool bit. Real nice rake angles and everything.


You know you're a machinist when:

Smells, Feels and Emotion Section:

You know your a machinist when you realize you smell like oil and you like it.

Your heart fills with splendid joy when someone hands you a freshly hardened piece of 16MnCr5 with a fine grey surface texture.

You get used to the taste of soluible oil.

The smell of cut cast iron brings back memories.

Someone passes you the casarole dish and tells you to be carefull it's hot and you don't know what they are talking about.

The guy next to you farts.....you blame the coolant in his machine for being rancid and the new guy checks the coolant

When someone complaining about you farting from 2 machines away makes you laugh so hard that it brings tears to your eyes!

The WD-40 smell (after machining aluminum) overpowers your deodorant and the wife thinks you're wearing cologne.

You ride a roller coaster and the first hill gives you the same feeling as watching the first rapid Z move on a new program.

You walk into the shop and yell "I love the smell of cutting oil in the morning"

If you think that they should make a "real" man's aftershave scented like Dykem...

A freshly flycut finish with a properly sharpened tool makes you happy.

You "fondle" the parts that you are making while sitting watching TV with family. "Fondling" the satin smooth texture of scotch brighted parts or running your fingers along the helix of end mills or drills is the next best thing to sex!

You miss the smell of the shop when your on vacation

You think cast iron is soft, and it puts you in a good mood how aluminum bronze squeaks when you cut it.

You love the smell of burning tapmatic in the morning.

You walk into the shop and yell "I love the smell of cutting oil in the morning"

Tool steel seems to have a pleasant aroma.

When you reach for the EM stop on your home TV when you hear a sudden loud grinding sound !!

You know you're a machinist when:

Books, Internet, TV, Magazines, Music Section:

Watching OCC pisses you off.

You look forward to comments from Mr. Forrest Addy.

You grab the Machinist Bible to look something up & you spend some time just thumbing thru just reading things you find interesting.

When you are making an interupted cut on a large lathe, and through the thumping and bumping you can relate a song to the beat. Sometimes includes dancing or playing the drums to it with pencils for drumsticks.


You can play the National Anthem blowing an air hose in your mouth.(a talent more often found in CNC machinists w/ longer cycle times) Or can play Jingle Bells and Smoke on the Water with an air hose and your thumb and forefinger!

You spend more time reading this site then watching anything on TV except for those engineering type shows.


Machinery's Handbook is in the bathroom for a little light reading.

When you come home after a 14 hr day and spend another hour on a machinist forum.

You know what that tall narrow drawer on Gerstner & Kennedy toolboxes is for.

When Machinery's handbook 15th edition is just good enough. After all, the guy who taught you was using it, and if it ain't in the book, you must've done something close in the last 34 years.

You have a Machinist's Handbook in your Gerstner, and have one at home too.

When you feel a closer bond to machinists in other countries than you do to your next door neighbor who is all thumbs and proud of it.


You go on vacation and use the Internet to locate all the used tool stores within a 50-mile radius.

You sneak a modern machine shop mag into the bathroom in your apron pocket so you can learn while yer poopin'.


You know you are a machinist when you save machinist magazines for one article you might use some day. And you keep them right beside your favorite chair within easy reach.

When you can keep the machine tool running, stay ahead on the programming and still find time to waste on internet forums.


You know you're a machinist when:

Non-Machinists/Machinists Interactions Section:

Your friends all say,"You work HOW many hours each day...!!??"

Someone asks what you do for a living and you say, "I'm in manufacturing." because you don't have the twenty five minutes to give a clueless culture an inkling of what makes their life so easy.

At the end of a long day you get on a machinists forum just to rub elbows with some people that still know how to think....

You're the only one in the room that knows what a Machinist is.

You go to get a haircut after work, and the barber asks "Why do you always come in here with those little springs (chips) in your hair?"

You know when someone from the office tells you they left something for you on your desk and you tell them it's a BENCH!

Someone says "Its billet". And you say "no its not. Its 6061".


You know you are a machinist when you go to rent an apartment after work and the leasing agent says, "I know that smell, my husband is a machinist too."

Someone (not a machinist) tells you that something is within critical because its within milimeters. And you laugh. I can hold tenths all day.

When "aught" is a used to mean zero.

Your plumber buddy calls you anal.

When Someone says that something is off by a hair and you ask if it is blonde(.002) red(.003), brown(.004) or black (between .005 and .006)?

When asked by a friend, or co-worker, acquaintance, or anyone if you could make that, and you can always say yes.

People say to you "everything comes easy for you".....and you realize to some degree that is true, but give yourself credit for giving the job and the trade that extra work needed in each endeavor to make truly excellent parts with the machine and tools you have at hand.

You go to the auto parts store. And the guy measuring your rotor with the cheesy plastic calipers tell you the rotors bad. And you KNOW he has no idea how to use those calipers.

You know you are machinist when pulled over for a speeding ticket and you reply to the "how fast were you driving" question in feet per minute.

You answer naive questions with "If there were no machinists there would be no machine tools, or machines that make stuff, or stuff to buy. Everything depends on machine of someone for their manufacture or processing. Without them the economy would collapse. Nothing of our culture would survive the next generation.

The UPS man delivering a package steps into your home shop and says, NICE SET UP!

Your friend calls you a metallurgist and asks you to identify mystery metal.

You tell people you're a "handle cranker" and they say they "KNEW" you were a pervert!

You no longer wait for the Eeeew! comment after the disgusted looks when you tell someone you are a MOLD maker.


The DMV can't fingerprint you, and sends you home " come back in two weeks when you thumb is healed. " " But Mam, my thumb has been like this for fifteen years!"

When an engineer gives you a developmental part to make, comes back a day later yelling it was wrong and didnt work and you have one which you designed for the same purpose that works without a glitch, he takes your part , and the credit becuz hes and engineer who doesnt even know how to turn on a lathe, but heck of course hes smarter than us workin class folk.

You’re accused of “splitting hairs” you reply “that’s what I do!”

When someone asks you, "what do you do", I say I am machinist... They have a blank stare, "oh, what do they do" or "or can give a look a my brakes on my car, I think I need a brake job". These days, only a few people knows what a machinst is. But people don't realize, without a machinist/tool die maker person, nothing would be possible from bobby pins, to space shuttles, to that little stupid cup holder in cars that everyone MUST HAVE. Seems like we are the least appreciated bunch in this day and age. Just a rant By Donald Sarasota.

And when it's all over and you're at the Pearly Gates / Jaws of hell (delete as appropriate) and St Peter / Satan (ditto) says. 'Hi there, am I glad to see you? now can you just have a look at.......''


Author's Favorite (by Jackmo).

You know your a machinist when you print out Dimitri's organized list and put a copy in an envelope with all your grandson's name's on the front, just in case they ever wonder what old Papa did.